Former President Barack Obama recently said on his wife Michelle’s podcast that every family—especially those with boys—should have a gay friend. He shared that one of his favorite professors in college was gay and helped him become more kind and understanding. His idea is meant to promote empathy and inclusion, but while his heart may be in the right place, the advice misses an important point.
Here’s why.
Obama is suggesting that a person’s identity—being gay—should be included in your friend group just in case your child ends up being gay or nonbinary. But friendships shouldn’t be formed based on someone’s sexual orientation. That’s like saying you should also find a friend who’s a drug addict or a criminal, just in case your child takes a wrong path. That kind of thinking reduces people to their identities or experiences instead of looking at their values and character.
Kindness and empathy aren’t qualities that only gay people can teach. Parents, teachers, mentors, and good friends—no matter their background—can model these traits. It’s unfair to say gay friends are the only ones who can offer that kind of support. It also places an unnecessary burden on gay individuals to become emotional guides just because of their identity.
Even more important, a child—gay or straight—should feel safe, loved, and supported by their own family first. If a child can’t open up to their parents but only to a specific kind of friend, that shows a problem within the home—not in the family’s circle of friends.
Friendships should grow naturally. They should be based on shared values, mutual respect, and trust—not on filling a quota of different identities. Real relationships aren’t built to check a box; they grow from honesty and connection.
Instead of curating a social group based on identity, what boys really need is to be around strong, wise, and kind men. They need role models who are:
- Physically and mentally strong
- Courageous
- Independent
- Leaders
- Protectors of their families
- Providers
- Generous and respectful
These men can teach boys how to grow into good men themselves—how to lead, care, and stand strong in the face of challenges.
Obama’s idea may sound inclusive, but it oversimplifies human relationships and ignores what really helps boys grow into good men: being surrounded by strong, positive role models of good character—not just diversity for diversity’s sake.
What Do You Think?
Do kids need friends of specific identities to learn empathy, or is it more important to surround them with strong, good-hearted people? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
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